Sylvie

DOB - 8/19/08 at 10:19am.
Weight - 8lb, 12oz.
Length - 20in.
Hair - brown.
Eyes - blue.
Other attributes - small, cute, squeaky.

Overdue

Yep, still waiting.

On August 11th, I had contractions that were regular, about 6-7 minutes apart, for almost 10 hours, and although they were uncomfortable, I wouldn't say that they were exceptionally painful or took all my attention. I was able to walk, breathe, putter around and eventually fall asleep.

By the morning of August 12th (my due date), the contractions were essentially gone and I had a major emotional meltdown. My wonderful doula, who is also a dear friend, came over and stayed all day, just to help me get over the disappointment of a stalled labor. I had a non-stress test at 8:15 that morning, and the baby did just fine. On August 13th, I had an ultrasound to check amniotic fluid, and that was also just fine, and the baby's heart was still beating away. Then I had a cervical check with my back-up OB, who didn't feel that my cervix was favorable for induction - even after all those contractions...sigh...

I have a doc appointment with my regular doctor on Wednesday - she's been on vacation since August 8th. I've decided that if my cervix looks good, we'll go for induction on August 22nd, and if it doesn't look good, we'll go for c-section on August 22nd. I'm not happy about submitting to further surgery, but it makes me really nervous to go too far post-dates. Pi was nine days late, and if Daffodil's birthday is August 22nd, that'll be 10 days. I think I've given her plenty of time to choose her birthday for herself.

I really just need to have an end point identified, especially after that long stretch of prodromal labor. I told my doula that it felt like standing on the edge of a cliff, waiting to take a dive that would surely be frightening, but also exhilarating and fun. So I'm just standing there, ready to take this great leap, processing all the emotions that go along with it, but the decision to actually jump is not mine to make. I have to wait for some outside cosmic force to propel me off the cliff and into my new adventure. I just can't teeter on this edge indefinitely.

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

Not even at my due date yet and I'm already going out of my tree. Pi was nine days late, so you'd think I'd be used to the waiting...not so much.

I'm just anxious to see her, to know for sure that she's OK, to hold her for myself and feel her breathing and her heartbeat. And I don't understand what on earth my body is doing right now.

With Pi, I lost my plug at 4:00 AM on a Saturday morning and went pretty immediately into regular, strong contractions that actually made me puke. I was at the hospital by 3:30 PM on Saturday and had him at 7:00 AM on Sunday.

Daffodil's plug came out at 2:00 AM on Saturday morning. August 2. Five days ago. Contractions are happening, and actually got kind of regular on Saturday, but petered out and haven't really come back with any strength or regularity since. Because I am "scary VBAC girl", the docs are nervous about letting me go past my due date, so we're probably looking at an induction on August 11th, which in one sense makes me relieved, but also makes the dream of the VBAC a bit more distant. It's definitely a lesson that every child is different, every labor and birth is different, but I'm already past marveling in the learning and am mired in the impatience and frustration stage.

I'm taking evening primrose oil, having acupuncture, getting my membranes swept (yowch) - I'm doing everything I can do to help this along. Smitty is being really great - encouraging, understanding, sweet. It's just really hard to be smacked in the face with the fact that this is truly not up to me, and I feel bad about forcing her to come out on Monday if she's obviously not ready yet. I have trouble just letting things go and be.

Full-Term & Change

Wow, this pregnancy just flew by. Our little Daffodil (Pi's chosen name for her) is now just over full-term and could make her debut any day! I'm 1.5 cm dilated and softening, but no effacement yet. I'm having about 10-20 contractions a day, depending on my activity level, and although they are not settling into a rhythm or feeling painful at all, they're definitely on a different scale than regular ol' Braxton-Hicks. The dates that keep popping into my head are July 28th and August 8th, so we'll see if either of those turns out to be Li'l Girl's birthday!

When we found out about the pregnancy, I was dreading these later weeks in the dog days of summer, but someone up there is smiling on us for living through last winter, and we have had a beautiful, moderate, temperate summer, which has been just perfect for me and I am truly thankful. Now if only I could blink my eyes and have all my work projects wrapped up and be able to take my leave RIGHT NOW!

Pi is doing well - some sense of the big event that's about to happen, but pretty much blissfully unaware of how his whole world will change - poor kid. Trying to make some happy summer memories - he's seen his first play and movie this summer (Lyle, Lyle Crocodile and WALL-E), seen some great fireworks, and gone out for ice cream a lot. He's also doing great in his swim class - after a bit of trepidation, he's adjusting well to being in the pool without Mommy, and swimming with his teachers. Good prep for pre-school starting this fall. Potty training remains challenging - one step forward, two steps back - but I'm really trying hard not to stress about it (in front of him, anyway; poor Smitty gets the full brunt of my potty-training angst) and just be up-front and honest with his progress to the pre-school teachers. My hope is that he can stay dry and clean during the mornings so that they won't really have to deal with anything too much. It's only a three-hour program, three days a week - we should be OK when the time comes.

Three and Sixty

Happy Birthday to you,

Happy Birthday to you,

Happy Birthday to Pi and his Pop-Pop...

Happy Birthday to you!

Another Little Girl

Remembering my sweet Delilah today, on the anniversary of the procedure that separated her from me in body.

There will always be a part of us that remains together, baby girl. I wish you were here today.

Sisters and Brothers

Yes, it is true, if all continues to go well, Pi will be having a baby sister. I've already started reading Siblings Without Rivalry.

The sum total of Pi's interactions with the baby:

At the end of February, we went to visit my folks, so Smitty and I told Pi about the baby because it was sure to be the topic of conversation amongst my family and we didn't want Pi to be blindsided. I told him that there was a baby growing in Mommy's belly and that pretty soon (hopefully) it would come home to live with us, and he would be a big brother! He said, "Like in Just Like a Baby!", which we had been reading a lot lately. He then went on his merry way.

When my belly started to get pretty big, probably mid-March or so, I said, "Look how big Mommy's belly is! That's the baby growing in there! Would you like to say 'hello' to the baby, Pi?" He touched my belly and said, "Hello, baby", and then he poked his index finger into my belly button and said, "What are you doing in that hole?"

On March 26th, we found out that this baby is a girl, and we told Pi shortly thereafter that this baby would be his little sister. A few weeks later, I asked Pi what we should call his baby sister. He did his thinking face (index finger to corner of mouth, slight head tilt) and said, "Hmmm...I'm thinking of a yellow flower." I said, "Well, since spring is finally here, the daffodils are coming up - daffodils are a yellow flower." He said, "Yes! Daffodil!", so we've been calling the baby Daffodil while in utero. I told Pi that when she comes out, we may want to pick another name, but I hope they have the kind of relationship that will allow him to use "Daffodil" as his special nickname for her.

Yesterday, Smitty really felt her kicking from the outside - he'd felt smaller kicking events before, but this one was unequivocal. Smitty asked Pi if he wanted to feel the baby move, and Pi ran away, saying, "No! I don't want to feel the baby move! Close up Mommy's belly!"

...and so it begins...

The State of '08

"Let's talk about stress, bay-bee, let's talk about you and me, let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be..."

Yeah. It's been a while since we talked. Difficult times first:

Major work stress. Travel, overnight shifts (which are done now, thank GAWD), and preparing for four new store openings over the summer (two of which I will miss because of maternity leave, but I'm getting ahead of myself).

Illness - Colds, kidney stones, fevers, impending surgery - you name it, we've had it.

Weather - winter has been very tedious this year - every other day it snows another 2-4 inches. Driving sucks, and walking to the train isn't much better.

Typing it out in such brief, it really doesn't sound so bad, but it's all complicated by the Good Times:

Our second baby is due August 12th. Now, this is wonderful of course, but due to our complicated reproductive history, December of '07 and January of '08 were replete with not only intense nausea and crushing fatigue, but the emotional and psychological rollercoaster of wondering if this one would actually survive. So far it has, and is moving along very well. Our 14-week appointment yielded very low risk of the major trisomies and a heartbeat that sounded like galloping horses - very strong and very reassuring. I'm even starting to feel the little tickling and bubbling on the inside.

Pi continues to delight us - at almost three he is still using bottles, has no interest in potty training, and still sleeps in a crib, but his imagination and vocabulary are amazing. He makes up stories about his trains as he's playing with them - a constant monologue of "Today, on the island of Sodor...", "Bust my buffers!", and "James applied the brakes, but it was TOOOO LATE!"

Recent Pi gems include:

"Mommy, Daddy, I need your help! It's an emergency!" (Said while we were all playing on the bed together - no one injured, nothing on fire.)

"I will make soap soup! Soap is so delicious, Mommy!"

And we are finally getting some unsolicited "I love you"s - the other day, when he woke up, he wanted to play a game with one rule: I had to kiss him over and over again. It's my favorite game ever.

He insists on helping with every household project, especially making peanut butter &
jelly sandwiches and pancakes, and feeding the cats. Everything is very methodical and ritualized, including knocking on cabinet doors to see if the ingredients for our meal are indeed at home, and skipping a step causes much angst.

He's an intelligent, energetic, joyful person, and we are so lucky he's part of our family. Here's hoping lightning strikes twice!

Good vs Evil

It's so hard to keep up with everything that could potentially damage your child. I'm always doing something "wrong".

Recent things that I have done that have been called out by someone, somewhere, as being "bad":

1. Told my son he's smart (too much pressure!).
2. Told my son I'm proud of him (see above!).
3. Allowed my son to eat candy.
4. Allowed my son to watch television.
5. Enjoyed singing "Wheels on the Bus" (children should not be silenced by their parents).
6. Rocked my 2.5-year-old son to sleep after he has consumed milk from a polycarbonate plastic bottle.

I have been very surprised by the world of judgment that opens up as soon as you become a parent, which I'm sure has always been there, but is significantly amplified by the Internet. Being someone who cares too much about what other people think has obviously not prepared me well for this aspect of motherhood. I have tried to listen to my gut, which has gotten much better at communicating with me, but there's still quite a bit of simply crossing your fingers and hoping everything works out in spite of what you're doing. I suspect that in the end, I will continue to espouse the philosophy of the title of my blog; continuous obsession and worry over every little thing, while ultimately kicking back on the couch with a novel while my son plays with his Thomas Trains (evil-made-in-China-licensed-character-consumer-crap).

Perspective

My name is Cheek and I am a worrier. Worrying is both art and science for me, and I think I actually may be addicted to the brain alchemy that worry causes. Thus, how perfect for someone like me to end up with a child; something to worry about endlessly for the rest of my life! Yay!

One of the best parts of motherhood is looking back on a given time in my baby's development and saying to myself, "I can't believe I was so worried about ____." Distance provides perspective. When Pi was about 14 months old, I was worried that he would be speech-delayed. He was saying a few words, but he wasn't saying "Mama" or following a speech path that I thought I expected.

This past week, Smitty was watching Sunrise Earth, a peaceful nature show that looks badass on our still-new-and-exciting HD TV. The scene for this episode's sunrises was an idyllic farm in Vermont. Pi was checking out the cows and other farm animals, and then said, "Daddy, I see a barn in the ditz-tenantz." I don't remember ever teaching him that word or reading it in a book, and suddenly he busts it out in context.

I may have to find somewhere else to get my adrenalin fix.

Delilah's Day

We have a busy day today. We're going to an open house at a potential pre-school for Pi, and then tonight, Smitty and I are going to see Wicked (the tickets were my birthday present). There will not be much time in the day for reflection, but I'll know that today is the day my daughter should have been welcomed to our world.

I miss you, sweet girl. I wish you were here today.

Books and Music

Life just rolls along. The new car is very nice and I'm feeling a little better about driving it. We've celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary and my 36th birthday. It's incredibly weird to watch the leaves turning and falling when it's 88 million degrees with the humidity index at "Beastly".

When we had Pi, I wondered how his interests would develop as he grew. I hoped that he would like the things that Smitty and I liked, but of course would support any interest he had, even if it was the roller derby or the Young Republicans or something equally alien to us. Anything but Scientology; I just don't know if I could feign any kind of interest or support in that.

Thankfully, as is Pi's wont, he has given us no cause for concern (yet) in this area. Two of my passions are reading and singing, and so far Pi seems to love both of those. He loves to go to the library and find new books, and he memorizes books very quickly. No skipping pages allowed! We checked Silly Sally by Audrey Wood out of the library, read it ten times in a row at every sitting for a few days ("a-guine!, a-guine!"), and then put it in the diaper bag for a trip where it stayed for about two weeks. When he pulled it out again, he opened the book to the first page and recited it word for word, while I gaped at him with tears filling my eyes.

I used to sing the same songs night after night at bedtime, and now Pi is expressing his musical tastes rather than submitting completely to mine. His current favorite is Harry Belafonte - we sing "The Banana Boat Song" and "Turn the World Around" every night. My most perfect family moment so far occurred the other night at dinner, when he was singing "Turn the World Around", and in the middle of it, shouted out "Sing together!"

Now, Smitty has a great ear and a nice voice, but does not like to sing. He once got in trouble at kindergarten for not singing "Happy Birthday" to a classmate - his mom found him crying in the corner while everyone else was eating cake. It makes me very sad to think that this teacher pretty much killed any chance that little Smitty might ever grow comfortable expressing his musical side. But when Pi asked, Daddy answered, and for a few brief moments, all our voices rose up together in joy and family love...

"Whoa-ho! So is life! A-ha! So is life!"

Love Me Tender

Last weekend, Pi and I were walking home from the grocery store, stroller laden with purchases (we bought a new car yesterday, hooray!). After two+ years of riding in the same stroller, he finally discovered that it has a little window in the top of the canopy that could serve to entertain him. He started squirming in his seat to look at me through the little window, playing peek-a-boo from side to side and just having a grand old time.

The continuous side-to-side motion, though, caused his sun hat to creep forward over his eyes. I leaned into the stroller and asked if he wanted me to hold onto his hat for him. He peeled off the hat, handed it to me, and said, with perfect inflection:

"Thank you, Mommy. Thank you very much."

iNeptitude

I need iPod lessons.

For obvious reasons, I've been riding the train to work a lot more often lately, and I am in awe of the people who can plant their earbuds, stick the iPod in their bag or briefcase or pocket, and enjoy their tunes with no drama all the way downtown.

I think my ears are too small for the buds or something, because I'm constantly futzing with them when they fall out, or hurt, which they do quite often. I try to finagle them into a good position, but if the cord moves one millimeter (and it always does, because I can never find the optimal place to rest the actual iPod), they are tugged unceremoniously from my ears and we have to start all over again.

I think that the answer is in the accessories (isn't that the answer to everything?). Do they make smaller earbuds? Should I get one of those belt clip thingies so that it always has a place to rest? Would it be just too infinitely embarrassing to saunter up to the Apple Genius Bar and ask them to show me how to walk and wear an iPod at the same time?

My iPod is lovely (it was a very inspired gift from Smitty for our last anniversary - four years, for which one of the traditional gifts is fruit), but I am still an outsider in the cool iClub, and will be until I get different earbuds. Or ear enhancement surgery.

Maybe a Reason?

As many women who have lost children will tell you, "Everything happens for a reason" is one of the least comforting platitudes that can be offered in The Consolation Conversation. It simply begs the question, "What? What is the reason?"

There isn't a good reason why a much-wanted, already-loved child does not make it to term and come home with her family.

All that said, I shudder to think what could have happened if I'd been seven months pregnant when two cars collided with my vehicle a week ago.

Poorly, but strangely comforting.

I'm just ready for this year to be over.

The Accident

I woke up Monday morning feeling similar to a marathon runner at Mile 25 - physically beat, emotionally drained, but full of the adrenalin that comes with knowing the end's in sight. Work has been so intense this summer, especially the last five weeks, and our final project was due for completion on August 29th. We were almost there.

I showered, dressed, left my sleeping son and husband and got in the car to head to our offsite project location. I was listening to NPR's 2nd anniversary coverage of Hurricane Katrina, thinking about whether I'd have time to stop at the bank before work, cursorily going through the motions at the numerous 4-way stop signs on a tree-lined residential street.

At the first major intersection, the traffic on my left did not have a stop sign - a fact that completely left my mind as I pulled directly into the flow and was immediately plowed by an oncoming car. The force of the first impact spun me 180 degrees and I was then hit head on by a service van.

"Are you OK?" asked the girl in the first car who hit me.

"Yes, are you OK?" Why is she so blurry? Why can't I see her - her driver's side window is inches from mine.

"Let's try to pull off the main road."

"OK." I manuevered back onto the cross-street, still wondering why I couldn't see the northbound drivers (no doubt counting their blessings that they had to wait a couple more seconds for their change at Starbucks this morning), who were waving me across the road. Why can't I see? What the hell is going on? I have to look for my insurance card, I have to...oh, my glasses are on the floor.

Our car is totaled. I have totaled a car. The reality of that situation and the red tape that accompanies it have occupied me this past week, but the fact that I'm here to deal with it is a gift and a blessing.

I held it together pretty well at the accident scene - I was the only driver in the triad who actually had my driver's license on me and proof of insurance - until the tow truck came to take my car away and the guy asked me if I needed to get anything out of the car. Pulling Pi's carseat out was what broke me. What if he had been in this car? I was driving in a completely zoned-out, stressed-out state, and it had almost cost me my life - what if I had endangered my child's life as well?

It's hard for me not to beat myself up about this - I just need to make sure that it affects my behavior in a positive way. I have been given an opportunity to spend more time on this earth with the ones I love - I can't squander it any more.

Golden Pig

Well, that was an adventure. We are just coming off of almost 48 hours with no power after a crazy storm on Thursday. I always feel like a total diva when the power goes out, demanding my white M&Ms on my white couch with white roses on my dressing table. I know that things could be a whole lot worse, and in the grand scheme of things we are very lucky to have everything we have, but I do enjoy flicking a switch and having the light come on, or pressing a button to get my dishes washed, or twisting a dial to clean my clothes. Pi's presence did make the outage a lot more fun, though - every time we lit the candles he started singing "Happy Birthday" and asking for cake, and he thought that Daddy turning the hand-crank on the emergency radio was the height of hilarity. Anyway, the power came back on at about 1:00 PM yesterday, and we are very pleased, although now the cable's out. I think someone is trying to tell us that we watch too much TV.

In other news, the rash of office pregnancies that were announced a few weeks before I found out about mine have started to bear their sweet fruit. A close co-worker of mine had her baby girl on August 10th, another has left for maternity leave with a due date of September 9, and yet another has confirmed a baby girl for October. When I found out about Delilah, I read that in the Chinese Zodiac, this year is a Golden Pig year, a very auspicious and lucky year for babies to be born. I wasn't ready to announce my pregnancy when my co-workers did, but when they were all together in the same room I secretly counted myself among them, and thought how excited they'd be when I was ready to "come out". All girls, born in the Year of the Golden Pig.

I was supposed to have one, too.

The Big One

Happy 40th Birthday, honey. I'm so happy that the little baby boy born 40 years ago today became my sweet husband and Pi's wonderful father. We love you so much!

Just Your Garden Variety Update

Pi's a thriving, happy, healthy two-year-old. We are very, very lucky to have him and are so enjoying watching him grow up.

One of his favorite games now is "Daddy Tickle". He asks me to pick him up and then screams "Daddy Tickle!" which is my signal to run through the house at top speed to find a place to "hide" from Daddy, who of course eventually finds us and tickles the bejeezus out of Pi.

He plays for hours with his Thomas trains, and narrates all of their adventures on the coffee table. "'Be careful!' cried Mavis, 'Look out!' chuffed Gordon, Duncan on suspension bridge, pull freight cars, 'Well done!' said Thomas." He also mixes Thomas characters into his new favorite song, as in: "On top of spaghetti, all covered with Rhenaeus and Duncan and Skarloey, I lost my poor meatball, when somebody sneezed."

I love how he says that "sn" sound - he blows it right through his nose and just pushes the word out - I can't even really replicate it phonetically. I should try to post a little audio clip of it - it's too cute.

He also loves to sing "Let it Be", which made me cry the first time I heard those lyrics come out of his mouth.

There are so many more cute anecdotes and stories that I can't even remember now, so I'm really going to try to get better about this blog so that all of these wonderful moments don't get lost in the deep chasms of my memory.

Pi learned to swim this summer! We took him for lessons at the Y last year, when he was just over a year old, and there's really not much you can do at that age besides blow bubbles and refine your "Wheels on the Bus" techniques for the aqueous environment, but I decided to blow the $100 bucks again this year anyway. After just three lessons, the whole "reach and pull" and "kick your feet" thing just clicked for Pi. He swam right out of my arms and never looked back. Of course, he's still wearing a floaty belt. I tried to see how he would do without it, and he dropped like a rock, so I figured he'd better keep it on, but he's got the moves down!

Also, going to sleep before midnight is for chumps, apparently. He's had a lot of trouble settling down at night for the past few weeks. He turns his light on, plays in his crib, and talks to himself for well over an hour after I put him down. He always was a night owl (he usually goes to sleep at 9:30 or so), but this is getting crazy. He never cries, just has his own private hootenanny until he feels like falling asleep with the overhead light on. I don't know - I hope this is just a phase.

Mad as a...Cicada?

Last weekend, I had one of those Mother of the Year days with Pi. We went to the coffee shop ("Mommy cuppa COF-fee!") and then to the bakery where we shared a blueberry scone at one of their little cafe tables and watched the people and their doggies go by the window. Then we took a bit of a longer walk to a very cool and fun park that we don't usually frequent. This park is pretty rockin' - they have a separate toddler play structure that sits in the center of a sand pit, and then they have a mega-gym for bigger kids. Pi went right for the sand pit, where some large winged bugs were flying around. There were about thirty of them.

"Oh, look at the cicadas, Pi", I said as he merrily chased them about and crouched low to get a really good look at them when they hovered in the air near his face. "Wow, there really are a lot of cicadas here, aren't there - I wonder why there are so many!"

"KAY-das! KAY-das!" he crowed.

Then one of them landed on the slide and I checked it out.

"Uh, Pi, let's not play over here, OK, these bugs are actually gigantic freaking HORNETS, and they could really hurt you. These are dangerous bugs."

"Kayda HOR-nets! Kayda HOR-nets!"

"Yes, let's just leave them to their partying and go swing for a while."

I allowed my child to frolic amongst gigantic hornets. Mother of the Year, indeed.